An in-depth interview with Kara Francis, Founder, Kara Francis Coaching

How did you get started as a divorce and marriage coach, and what were your goals?

When I was a teen, my oldest sister went through a divorce. It was my first exposure to divorce, as I grew up in a very small town in Ohio where divorce is not very common; even if it happens, it’s a little taboo given the strong Catholic faith of the community.

This experience changed my life. Instead of divorce being a “bad” thing that happens “to” you, I saw my sister take back control of her life by ending an unhealthy relationship that was holding her back from being her authentic self. Once she broke free, she blossomed into the strong, independent, bada** woman she is today. She has since remarried, has 2 children, and is pursuing her personal dreams and desires with passion and vigor.

Seeing this as a teen really inspired me. I wanted to help other people do what my sister did – navigate the process of ending a relationship with grace and confidence and start the next chapter feeling empowered and connected to self. I thought the best way to serve this purpose was to be a divorce lawyer. So, that’s what I did: I completed all the schooling and exams, and I worked my way up to my dream law firm in Chicago. I had “made it.”

But once I got there, I didn’t feel the sense of satisfaction and fulfillment I was anticipating. By the time I had achieved my goal, I was finally beginning to learn who I really was as a person, and it quickly became clear that law firm life was not compatible with my personality.

I also didn’t feel like I was helping my clients in the way I was originally inspired by my sister. My work-life felt contentious and exhausting. If that’s how I felt, imagine how my clients felt!

Even though I was unhappy, I had spent so much time, energy, and money to get there, and it was a huge part of my identity – I couldn’t just walk away, right?

During this same time, I met my boyfriend in college, and we moved to Chicago together when I started law school. When the honeymoon phase ended, we started struggling with communication, trust, and intimacy issues.

We were stuck in an unhealthy cycle: a huge argument, then a standoff period where we didn’t speak to each other, then a makeup period, then a period of peace. I was so worried about “breaking the peace” that I would internalize my feelings if I felt disrespected or not validated; those emotions built up into resentment and frustration over time, and then some random issue would cause a fight, restarting the cycle.

We also tended to argue about the same general issues/topics – even though we would “make up,” we never really resolved the issue. This also contributed to the cycle continuing.

Even though we had our issues, we still decided to get married. It’s what all our friends were doing, it’s what I saw others do when I was growing up, and it seemed like the logical next step in our relationship. I figured marriage would be a salve for our issues – that we would “figure things out” because, well, we’re married!

When the 2020 pandemic hit, I was finally forced to face my reality: I had done all the things we are “supposed” to do to be happy – get a good job, get married, buy a nice house, etc. But I didn’t feel connected to any of it – none of it really felt like “me.” Every time I checked something off the list, I didn’t feel like I thought I would; in fact, I felt nothing. The next step in the “plan” was to have kids, and I was terrified and dreading it.

The pandemic put things into perspective for me like never before – if I could die tomorrow from this new virus, how would I feel about my life in my final moments? Disappointed? Regretful? Sad? That felt so bleak to think about. It was a scary wakeup call for me, but necessary.

So, I decided to start a new chapter. But first I had to dismantle everything I had painstakingly curated over the last 15+ years, starting with my marriage.

Let’s be real – getting divorced during a global pandemic sucks hard. I couldn’t get away and visit friends or family. I didn’t have anyone to help me move into my new apartment. I slept on the floor for months because furniture was on backorder. It was a very humbling experience and compounded the fear and isolation I was already feeling about ending my marriage.

And even though I had been practicing as a divorce lawyer for years, I still really struggled emotionally. My former spouse wasn’t a “bad” person. Our marriage was “okay.” Even though I wasn’t “in love” with him, I still had love for him. All of this made me feel guilty and ashamed – why couldn’t I just suck it up and be happy, instead of hurting people? Things could be so much worse, after all.

Having a weekly phone call with my childhood best friend was a game changer – I had someone who validated my experience, held me accountable for my goals and dreams, and helped me look at the situation from different perspectives so fear wasn’t dominating my mindset. (Psst – this is exactly how I serve my clients today as a coach!)

With the support of my friend and the passage of time, I finally felt ready to legally close this chapter of my life and move on. I got divorced in December 2020.

After so much change in my personal life, I didn’t immediately make any big changes to my career. After all, it was possible I was unhappy at work because I was unhappy in my relationship, so I wanted to give myself time to see if I truly wanted to leave my job.

But after a year post-divorce, it was clear I felt the same way about my job that I had felt before my divorce – frustrated, defeated, anxious, exhausted, and unfulfilled. The silver lining is, working at a law firm is how I first learned about divorce coaches.

I was always happy when my client had a coach, because I knew they had a separate, safe space to be fully honest and transparent about their emotions, fears, beliefs, and goals. They had a trained professional to help them get clear on their next steps, as well as a source of accountability.

Divorce coaches allowed me to be a much more efficient and effective lawyer for my client, because we could focus solely on the legalities to help them achieve their goals, instead of getting caught up in emotional blocks and challenges. This also benefited my clients, because they were able to navigate the divorce process with less acrimony, suffering, and legal fees. Talk about a win-win!

Over time, I realized the practice of coaching resonated and felt more aligned with my original purpose from when I was a teen. It also felt more compatible with my personality. And I knew if I could get through a painful divorce during a global pandemic, I could navigate a career change too.

So, in May 2022, I finally made the leap to open my own coaching business, and I never looked back. Being a business owner has its own stressors, but unlike the stressors of law firm life, I feel more in control about how I respond and more willing to face the challenges, because it’s all in furtherance of my purpose and passion – to help people navigate marriage and divorce with confidence, clarity, and empowerment.

I took the long way to get to where I am today, and I experienced a lot of pain and difficulty along the way. But I know all of it was necessary and important for me to be the person and coach I am today. That’s how life usually works – we make decisions, we learn from them, and we try to make new decisions that put us in a better position than before. I am a testament to that!