Kara Francis of Kara Francis Coaching offers pre-marital, marriage and divorce counseling, consulting and coaching services in New York City and wherever you are located. Kara believes that defining roles and responsibilities before you get married can help establish clarity early in the relationship and ensure a strong foundation for future marital success.
Setting the foundation for roles and responsibilities is such an important (and often overlooked) part of preparing for marriage. Here’s a way to frame it clearly: Honest communication, shared expectations and teamwork are key.
Before saying “I do,” it’s valuable to sit down together and have intentional conversations around how life will work as partners — practically, emotionally, and financially. Setting that foundation early helps navigate future conflict and prevent misunderstandings later.
What Does That Look Like?
Some important things to discuss:
1. How will household responsibilities be shared?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer — but the healthiest marriages treat household responsibilities as a team effort — not based on gender roles or assumptions, but based on communication, respect, and partnership. It’s also important to factor in “Mental labor” (i.e. remembering, planning, organizing, etc.), because it requires energy just like any other task, such as doing the dishes.
Start by asking each other:
- What are the daily/weekly tasks that keep life running?
(cleaning, cooking, laundry, bills, errands, pet care, childcare, etc.) - What do you each naturally enjoy (or dislike) doing?
- What does “fair” feel like to both of you?
- How will you handle things when life gets busy, work shifts, or kids come along?
- Do you want to alternate tasks, split them, outsource them, or take turns?
The Goal: Shared Responsibility, Not Scorekeeping
It doesn’t have to be 50/50. What’s important is that both people feel supported, seen, and appreciated, no matter what the dynamic looks like.
Teamwork, flexibility, and communication are key here.
2. What does a financial partnership look like? (budgeting, saving, spending)
It’s such a big part of healthy marriages that people don’t always talk about enough.
It’s less about “my money vs. your money” — and more about creating a shared vision, shared goals, and shared responsibility.
Money in marriage isn’t just about numbers — it’s about values, habits, communication, and trust.
Having conversations like:
- What does financial security mean to each of us?
- Are we savers, spenders, investors, budgeters — or a mix?
- What are our short-term and long-term financial goals?
- How do we want to handle day-to-day spending?
- Will we combine finances fully, partially, or keep certain accounts separate but transparent?
- How will we budget together? What tools or systems work for us?
- What’s our plan for saving, investing, debt, retirement, and big purchases?
- What’s “fun money” look like — and how do we avoid resentment around spending?
- How do we handle financial curveballs or emergencies?
The Goal of Financial Partnership:
Transparency. Teamwork. Trust.
It’s not about being on the exact same page — it’s about being aligned enough to function on a day-to-day and long-term basis without significant conflict and tension.
Respecting each other’s money stories and habits — and creating new ones together.
Having regular check-ins, shared goals, and clear plans.
Building a life where both people feel informed, included, and empowered.
3. How do you both view careers, family roles, parenting, or future goals?
Careers:
- How important are our careers to each of us?
- Are we both working full-time long-term?
- How do we support each other’s professional growth?
- Are we open to relocation or career changes?
- What does work-life balance look like for us?
Family Roles:
- What does partnership look like at home?
- Are there certain roles or responsibilities we naturally gravitate toward?
- Are we flexible as life changes?
Parenting (If or When It Applies):
- Do we want kids? If so, when?
- How do we want to parent?
- How were we raised — and what do we want to do the same or differently?
- How will we share parenting responsibilities?
Future Goals & Dreams:
- Where do we see ourselves in 5, 10, 20 years?
- What kind of life are we building together?
- What matters most — travel, family, freedom, stability, adventure?
- What does retirement or legacy look like for us?
The Goal: Be Open To Each Other’s Views:
Alignment doesn’t mean being identical — it means being intentional.
It’s not just about love — it’s about partnership, planning, and building a life where both people feel heard, valued, and supported.
Successful marriages are built when both people get clear on:
- Who they are individually
- Who they want to be together
- And how they’ll show up for each other along the way.
4. What are each of your strengths? Where can you support each other?
Every person brings unique gifts, skills, and energy into a marriage. The magic happens when you learn to lean into your strengths — and have each other’s back where there’s room to grow.
Some examples of strengths you might bring:
- Patience
- Organization
- Big-picture thinking vs. Attention to detail
- Emotional intelligence
- Problem-solving
- Financial skills
- Humor + lightheartedness
- Nurturing or caregiving energy
- Drive + ambition
- Calm in chaos
- Communication skills
- Loyalty + reliability
- Creativity or spontaneity
And places you can support each other might sound like:
“You’re great with details — I’m better with big picture vision.”
“You handle stress calmly — I’ll handle logistics.”
“I’m not great with money — but you’re so disciplined.”
“You push me to dream bigger — I ground us in the day-to-day.”
“You’re patient with people — I’m patient with tasks.”
“Where I’m weak, you’re strong — and vice versa.”
Bottom Line:
The best marriages aren’t about doing everything equally — they’re about doing everything as a team.
It’s not “Who does more?” — it’s “How can we bring out the best in each other?”
A strong marriage honors both independence and interdependence — knowing when to lead, when to follow, and when to simply show up with love.
5. What does emotional support look like in hard times?
Every marriage will face challenges — stress, loss, disappointment, conflict, or simply tough seasons of life. Emotional support isn’t about fixing everything — it’s about showing up.
Emotional support in marriage sounds like…
“I’m here. You’re not alone.”
“How can I love you best through this?”
“We’ll figure this out together.”
“I’m listening — tell me what’s on your heart.”
“Even on the hard days, I’m in your corner.”
What It Looks Like In Action:
Being Present
Sometimes the greatest gift is simply sitting together in silence, holding space without needing to fix or offer solutions.
Listening Without Judgment
Letting your partner vent, cry, process — without rushing them or dismissing their feelings.
Encouragement & Reassurance
Reminding them of their strength, reminding them you believe in them, reminding them they’re loved no matter what.
Offering Help — But Asking First
“Do you want advice, ideas, or just for me to listen right now?”
Small Acts of Kindness
Coffee made for them. A hug out of nowhere. A text that says “thinking of you.” Little things feel big in hard seasons.
Patience & Grace
Understanding that stress may bring out the worst temporarily — and loving through that without taking it personally.
Bottom Line:
Emotional support in marriage is less about having all the answers — and more about creating a safe place to land.
It’s knowing: “Whatever we’re facing — you don’t have to face it alone.”
6. How do you handle conflict or decision-making as a team?
ealthy conflict and decision-making in marriage isn’t about avoiding disagreements — it’s about how you move through them together.
Great teams communicate, collaborate, and stay connected — even when they don’t agree.
Key Mindsets for Handling Conflict & Decisions as a Team:
It’s not “me vs. you” — it’s “us vs. the problem.”
Shift from winning the argument to solving it together.
Communicate with respect, not reaction.
Stay curious, not critical.
Listen to understand — not just to respond.
Avoid blaming or shutting down.
Create space for both voices to matter.
“How are you seeing this?”
“Tell me what’s most important to you here.”
Value compromise, not control.
Take a pause when emotions are high.
Step away if needed but come back to the conversation.
Time + calm = clarity.
Get clear on shared values to guide decisions.
What matters most to us as a couple?
Does this decision align with our goals, priorities, and future vision?
Be solution oriented.
Brainstorm together.
Look for win-win outcomes.
Ask: “What would feel good for both of us?”
Bottom Line:
Conflict isn’t failure.
Disagreements aren’t danger signs.
Healthy couples learn how to fight fair — not dirty.
The goal isn’t to “win” — it’s to grow stronger together.
7. What traditions or habits matter to each of you?
The little things you do consistently as a couple often become the big things that shape your connection, joy, and sense of “home” together.
Traditions and habits in marriage are like the glue that keeps you close — intentional rhythms that say, “this matters to us.”
Some examples of meaningful traditions or habits couples might create:
Daily Habits
- Saying “I love you” every morning & night
- Coffee together before the day starts
- Unplugged dinner time — no phones
- Checking in: “How was your day, really?”
- Goodnight hug/kiss
Weekly Traditions
- Date nights — out or at home
- Sunday morning breakfasts or walks
- Movie night or game night
- Weekend adventures or errands together
- Meal prepping or cooking together
Monthly or Yearly Traditions
- Anniversary getaways or love letters
- Celebrating birthdays in a special way
- Seasonal bucket lists — fall, summer, holidays
- Volunteering or giving back as a couple
- Annual vision/planning dates for your future
Personal Values & Rituals
- Practicing gratitude together
- Praying or meditating as a couple
- Regular money talks or goal setting
- Celebrating wins — big or small
- Creating family traditions if/when you have kids
Why It Matters:
These rhythms build connection, comfort, and intentionality.
They’re how you stay friends in marriage, not just partners.
They remind you: “We don’t just live together — we choose each other, over and over.”
To sum it up:
Marriage works best when you approach it like a partnership — not a set of assigned “jobs” — but as a shared commitment to showing up for each other in ways that feel fair, loving, and supportive to both people.
The goal isn’t perfection or rigid roles — it’s clarity, respect, and flexibility.
Conclusion
Kara Francis offers pre-marriage coaching, which can help you create a strong foundation for this next chapter in your life. It’s well worth the investment if you want to increase your odds of a happy, loving and mutually supportive union.
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Kara Francis is a relationship, marriage and divorce coach in NYC serving clients in New York City and wherever they are located. Kara Francis Coaching is a divorce lawyer turned Pre-marriage, Marriage & Divorce Coach, as well as a divorce survivor. She helps you feel clarity, confidence, and resilience in your relationship journey, no matter what it looks like. Want to discuss your unique situation and needs with Kara? Feel free to leave a comment and book a Discovery Call today!
